Time goes by and you aren't here. You aren't warm in my stomach, growing and living. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this empty...for this long. We would know by now if you were a boy or a girl. I think you were a girl personally. I know you were loved. And still are.
We are going to try again this cycle. We didn't last month b/c none of the tests told me I was ovulating. But yesterday it said I was. I pray for this more than I've prayed for anything in my life. Chris is scared. Scared it will happen again. So am I. I can't handle another miscarriage. But I'm so full of hope. I really am.
We leave for vacation Saturday. When I'm at the beach I feel like I'm at peace. I hope it will heal my soul. I still feel broken, like I couldn't do something right. I need to be cleansed and made right. The ocean will do this. I'm positive. I NEED this vacation.
I feel like I need to reconnect w Chris.
I still don't have my baby w me. She is in heaven w family who has gone before. She is surrounded by love, and I can't ask for anything more. I just wish I knew her touch, her face, anything... I can't spend a lot of time in the nursery w out getting super sad so I stay out. We have our vacation clothes still in there, so I go in to pack and then I'm out of there. I can't look in the closet at the shelves Chris put in, the clothes in there and all the diapers and wipes we bought. It makes me so sad.
I'm done for now. I need to get my shit back together and I think it's in Mexico.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
two months
Today its been 2 fucking months. 60 days. I can't believe it's already been that long. I can't believe I'm not pregnant. I should know the sex of the baby. I should be buying furniture for the nursery. Instead? I'm hanging our fucking vacation clothes in there. Why did this happen?!?!
I think I'm going to be starting my period this month soon. I guess I have to be thankful its not going to be around when we are on vacation. (I had a MUCH longer post typed out and fucking deleted it, ugh). I had thought I was going to be wearing maxi dresses the whole time since I would be showing. Now, I'm empty. Completely fucking empty. I am SO mad. I should have a baby on the way. What did I do? What did I NOT do?
I keep feeling like the universe is telling me "you had your chance and didn't keep the baby, so you don't get anymore". What if that is true? What if I don't get pregnant ever again? I'm already devastated thinking of the baby I lost. I can't deal with never being a mom. I can't.
Little things hit me out of nowhere. Today, I woke up and realized it was the 30th of the month. 30ths are bad for me. Which was hard because our anniversary is on the 26th and my birthday is on the 29th. So the day after my birthday was one month that I lost her. I swear it was a girl. I keep thinking how much she is missing. She is in heaven though with many great grandparents who are watching over her, and us still down here.
I think I'm going to be starting my period this month soon. I guess I have to be thankful its not going to be around when we are on vacation. (I had a MUCH longer post typed out and fucking deleted it, ugh). I had thought I was going to be wearing maxi dresses the whole time since I would be showing. Now, I'm empty. Completely fucking empty. I am SO mad. I should have a baby on the way. What did I do? What did I NOT do?
I keep feeling like the universe is telling me "you had your chance and didn't keep the baby, so you don't get anymore". What if that is true? What if I don't get pregnant ever again? I'm already devastated thinking of the baby I lost. I can't deal with never being a mom. I can't.
Little things hit me out of nowhere. Today, I woke up and realized it was the 30th of the month. 30ths are bad for me. Which was hard because our anniversary is on the 26th and my birthday is on the 29th. So the day after my birthday was one month that I lost her. I swear it was a girl. I keep thinking how much she is missing. She is in heaven though with many great grandparents who are watching over her, and us still down here.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
4 weeks out...
I can't believe its been 4 weeks since this whole mess went down. Today I got blood work back and my HCG level is at 17.5. Last time, 2 weeks ago, it was still over 1000. The nurse today told me I could get my first period as soon as this weekend! I don't think I've ever wanted a period so badly.
Last night Chris and I watched 19 kids and counting. Michelle Duggar has 19 kids but went to a ultrasound and the baby had died, stopped growing and no heartbeat. As we watched I just sighed and kept watching. Chris went to bed because of his head hurting. I decided to take a hot bath and read on my nook. I read for a bit, then decided I'd mess with my phone for a bit, then shower. As I was on Pintrest, I saw these "why its better to cry in the shower" posts, and something hit me.
It snuck up...just as a "be quiet so you don't wake Chris" sob. Then as I thought about her...it broke out into soul wrenching bawling. I couldn't breath, I couldn't see, and I didn't care about either of those. I shook, I sobbed and I gasped. I begged for her to come back to me. I thought about how I don't know how I will get through this. It's been 4 weeks, why is it not easier!?!??
I found a picture on Pintrest that says:
I added the following commentary to the picture as well...
And sometimes it just hits you. I haven't cried in probably over a week...and tonight it hit me again. I'm so blessed in my life, I'm married to my best friend, the love of my life @cwl1983. I have family who love me for all I am. I have friends who adore me. But I have a hole in my heart. A hole, an empty spot that will never be filled. My precious angel: I won't get to hold you in my arms, only in my heart. I hope you know how much you are loved and how much you were wanted. My heart cries out for you and my body aches to have you back in there all warm and cared for. "I think I'd miss you even we'd never met". That caption is so true for your daddy but for you as well. My soul is crying for you tonight as I know you catch my tears. Momma loves you angel.
I got so many sweet comments back from people. Some from people that have been through a miscarriage, some who have not but want to be there for me. Some from family, some friends....I got a card from a cousins wife who I have probably spoken 100 words to in my life, saying she's been there 3 times and to call her if I need to.
Chris bought me a Pandora bracelet. I had told him I wanted a Nov birthstone charm. He one uped me, and got me the guardian angel one, I love it.
In my life I am so blessed. I cannot tell you how lucky I am. I'm married to someone who adores me, my family is amazing, I have friends who are awesome and I have a really good paying job. I need to concentrate on these things and remember God only gives you what you can handle, right? Hopefully I'm handling things as he sees fit...
Last night Chris and I watched 19 kids and counting. Michelle Duggar has 19 kids but went to a ultrasound and the baby had died, stopped growing and no heartbeat. As we watched I just sighed and kept watching. Chris went to bed because of his head hurting. I decided to take a hot bath and read on my nook. I read for a bit, then decided I'd mess with my phone for a bit, then shower. As I was on Pintrest, I saw these "why its better to cry in the shower" posts, and something hit me.
It snuck up...just as a "be quiet so you don't wake Chris" sob. Then as I thought about her...it broke out into soul wrenching bawling. I couldn't breath, I couldn't see, and I didn't care about either of those. I shook, I sobbed and I gasped. I begged for her to come back to me. I thought about how I don't know how I will get through this. It's been 4 weeks, why is it not easier!?!??
I found a picture on Pintrest that says:
I added the following commentary to the picture as well...
And sometimes it just hits you. I haven't cried in probably over a week...and tonight it hit me again. I'm so blessed in my life, I'm married to my best friend, the love of my life @cwl1983. I have family who love me for all I am. I have friends who adore me. But I have a hole in my heart. A hole, an empty spot that will never be filled. My precious angel: I won't get to hold you in my arms, only in my heart. I hope you know how much you are loved and how much you were wanted. My heart cries out for you and my body aches to have you back in there all warm and cared for. "I think I'd miss you even we'd never met". That caption is so true for your daddy but for you as well. My soul is crying for you tonight as I know you catch my tears. Momma loves you angel.
I got so many sweet comments back from people. Some from people that have been through a miscarriage, some who have not but want to be there for me. Some from family, some friends....I got a card from a cousins wife who I have probably spoken 100 words to in my life, saying she's been there 3 times and to call her if I need to.
Chris bought me a Pandora bracelet. I had told him I wanted a Nov birthstone charm. He one uped me, and got me the guardian angel one, I love it.
In my life I am so blessed. I cannot tell you how lucky I am. I'm married to someone who adores me, my family is amazing, I have friends who are awesome and I have a really good paying job. I need to concentrate on these things and remember God only gives you what you can handle, right? Hopefully I'm handling things as he sees fit...
Thursday, May 8, 2014
1 week and 2 days out
They say it will get easier as time goes on. I don't believe that. I believe you find a way to dull the pain and keep going...because you have to. For me. For my husband. For my family that I have now, our furbabes. And mostly...for our future children to have a safe and happy vessel to grow in.
Today, was..different. I felt better. I went to the chiropractor. I mowed the grass. I got my hair done. I also am spotting only ever so lightly. Yesterday at work, was fine. Before work, was another story.
I got up at my normal 8:20 to see Chris off to work. I let the dogs out, got my daily leaving for work kisses, and headed in to the bathroom. I'm not sure if the Cytotec makes you have issues pooping or what but lately I've been having issues going since I started this miscarriage process. I actually felt like I needed to so I was glad about that. I sat down to go and felt a lot of blood leaving me which I thought was strange because things seemed to have tapered off. After baring down for a minute or two to try and poop I felt something hanging out of me...down there.
I texted Chris, kinda freaked out, and he asked if I was cramping or anything, which I wasn't. I didn't know what else to do other than bare down again and push. I pushed for about 30 seconds to a minute and felt something slide out. It went in the toilet as I was trying to decide if I wanted to look or not. After a minute I decided to glance. There was so much blood in the toilet I couldn't see anything.
This I'm convinced was the sac. The final part of my baby that I had to let go of. I felt relief as well as sadness as I passed her. She was finally free from being in my body. I carried her for just shy of 12 weeks. She never knew sadness, grief, fear or any other bad emotion. She only knew warmth, love and my happiness. I pray she was happy in there for the short time I got to carry her beautiful soul.
Today while mowing the grass I got sad thinking she would never be able to play in the backyard I grew up in. She would never swing carefree, chase her brother or sister, and never know the warmth of her fathers arms. Every time I teared up and talked about her in my head, the wind would blow SO hard. Like she was trying to dry my tears.
The next step is to wait for a period. I talked with a friend Lisa who had a miscarriage right around the same time I did, between 10-12 weeks. She got pregnant the next month and carried to full term. Had a amazing little girl Kali. About 2 years later she had triplets! No fertility treatments or anything. Her doctor told her miscarriages are most common in first pregnancies. As soon as we get the first period we are trying again. I can't wait to feel the pregnancy again. I welcome throwing up(which would be new this time), the back pain, the swollen boobs. My body is here to make the best situation possible for any babies who would bless up by being their parents.
Today is also the first day my plant from Dawn bloomed. I feel like today I actually felt...normal. I smiled at strangers, I talked with my beautician about things OTHER than my miscarriage. Although, I have to say, Brianna is the sweetest thing ever, asking all the right questions and making me feel so much better about myself. She told me about some of her other clients, obviously without names, who had gone through this as well as mommas who were told their babies wouldn't make it or would have something wrong and everything is great with them.
I know I'm strong enough to get through this, even though I admit with out Chris, it wouldn't be possible. I want to give him kids more than anything and hope this is in our near future. We go on vacation July 19th, and I'm praying with every fiber of my being I can tell him before we leave that I'm pregnant. I mean all I can do is pray to God that he grants my ONE wish in life...to be a momma.
Today, was..different. I felt better. I went to the chiropractor. I mowed the grass. I got my hair done. I also am spotting only ever so lightly. Yesterday at work, was fine. Before work, was another story.
I got up at my normal 8:20 to see Chris off to work. I let the dogs out, got my daily leaving for work kisses, and headed in to the bathroom. I'm not sure if the Cytotec makes you have issues pooping or what but lately I've been having issues going since I started this miscarriage process. I actually felt like I needed to so I was glad about that. I sat down to go and felt a lot of blood leaving me which I thought was strange because things seemed to have tapered off. After baring down for a minute or two to try and poop I felt something hanging out of me...down there.
I texted Chris, kinda freaked out, and he asked if I was cramping or anything, which I wasn't. I didn't know what else to do other than bare down again and push. I pushed for about 30 seconds to a minute and felt something slide out. It went in the toilet as I was trying to decide if I wanted to look or not. After a minute I decided to glance. There was so much blood in the toilet I couldn't see anything.
This I'm convinced was the sac. The final part of my baby that I had to let go of. I felt relief as well as sadness as I passed her. She was finally free from being in my body. I carried her for just shy of 12 weeks. She never knew sadness, grief, fear or any other bad emotion. She only knew warmth, love and my happiness. I pray she was happy in there for the short time I got to carry her beautiful soul.
Today while mowing the grass I got sad thinking she would never be able to play in the backyard I grew up in. She would never swing carefree, chase her brother or sister, and never know the warmth of her fathers arms. Every time I teared up and talked about her in my head, the wind would blow SO hard. Like she was trying to dry my tears.
The next step is to wait for a period. I talked with a friend Lisa who had a miscarriage right around the same time I did, between 10-12 weeks. She got pregnant the next month and carried to full term. Had a amazing little girl Kali. About 2 years later she had triplets! No fertility treatments or anything. Her doctor told her miscarriages are most common in first pregnancies. As soon as we get the first period we are trying again. I can't wait to feel the pregnancy again. I welcome throwing up(which would be new this time), the back pain, the swollen boobs. My body is here to make the best situation possible for any babies who would bless up by being their parents.
Today is also the first day my plant from Dawn bloomed. I feel like today I actually felt...normal. I smiled at strangers, I talked with my beautician about things OTHER than my miscarriage. Although, I have to say, Brianna is the sweetest thing ever, asking all the right questions and making me feel so much better about myself. She told me about some of her other clients, obviously without names, who had gone through this as well as mommas who were told their babies wouldn't make it or would have something wrong and everything is great with them.
I know I'm strong enough to get through this, even though I admit with out Chris, it wouldn't be possible. I want to give him kids more than anything and hope this is in our near future. We go on vacation July 19th, and I'm praying with every fiber of my being I can tell him before we leave that I'm pregnant. I mean all I can do is pray to God that he grants my ONE wish in life...to be a momma.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Different direction...
So this blog was made 100% for me to post about losing weight. I did that. Very well. My next task at hand was to get pregnant. I did that. I was preparing for a beautiful time in my life, one I had waited, SO LONG for. SO...long. I found out I was pregnant on March 10th, 2014. I had a test that I was TERRIFIED to take...scared it would be negative.
Imagine my surprise and extreme happiness that it was POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it, I really couldn't. I texted Chris "hey babe". He said "?". I sent him a picture of the positive test. He was so over the moon, and kept telling me "shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up!" over and over, while laughing. He was on his way to work.
Over the last almost 2 months I have only had sore boobs and feeling a little extra tired all the time. I felt great and went for my confirmation appointment, which really only consisted of a pee test. I already knew by then, because I took one test Monday the 10th and again, on the 12th, because honestly, I felt it was too good to be true. I went on the 13th for my appointment. I went back again the first week in April and got a ultra sound. She wasn't going to do one, but then I told her that was the only reason Chris came. She did one saying she questioned my dating.
That day we saw the heartbeat, we fell even more in love with our JellyBean than we ever knew was possible. It made it REAL. There was a baby in there, growing. We didn't know at the time, that would be the last picture of the heartbeat we would see. We left our appointment filled with hope. Filled with dreams of 9 months later, holding the love of our life.
Over the past few weeks, things were great. We went and got announcement pictures done. We were OVER the moon with them and couldn't wait to share them. We waited until Easter. On that day we posted them everywhere. Everyone was so supportive. Our phones blew up ALL day. Actually for a day or two.
We went April 30th for our 11 week appointment. We went in to hear the heartbeat. I gave my urine sample, drank the God awful sugar drink for my 1st gestational diabetes test. We went in the room and she got her doppler out. She said ALL day she had shy babies and had to send most for a ultrasound because the babies were all facing the wrong way or didn't want to be heard. Our baby was not the exception. JellyBean didn't offer a heartbeat either. I asked if that was a bad thing that she couldn't find it. Diane assured me it wasn't, as it was kind of early anyways, being that we went at 11 weeks and not 12. She sent me off for a ultrasound so that way we could SEE the heartbeat.
I got in the room, got comfortable while Chris was in the seat next to me. The lady came in, turned off the lights and inserted the ultrasound wand. As soon as she brought the screen up, my heart stopped beating. I caught my breath and waited for her to say something as she was taking screen shots. Her first words? "I'm so sorry..." I don't remember everything she said, but I KNEW something was wrong.
Why didn't our JellyBean look any different than last time? Why couldn't we see the heartbeat? Why was this happening to us? The ultrasound looked no different but it was 3.5 weeks later. It should have been different. Our baby should have been bigger. We needed a heartbeat...but we didn't get one.
She told me she had to take some pictures and kept saying "I'm so sorry". At some point Chris had grabbed my hand and I began sobbing. She asked me if we wanted a picture to take...I looked at Chris, knowing I didn't want one, but if he did...he shook his head no. We had one at home, one that our precious baby was still alive. I didn't see the need for this one. She told me I could go ahead and get dressed and was going to call in the bereavement nurse...
Dawn, the nurse came in. I really don't remember anything she said. I just sobbed into Chris' chest, apologizing to him. She then led me to a Dr's room. That was the most horrible walk I have ever made. I had to walk past these amazing, beautiful pregnant women, knowing our baby was not going to ever get to that point. I walked by them, face tear stained, heart slowly dying.
I got into the Dr's room and a lab came and took some blood to measure my HCG levels. Dr Staub came in to talk to us at that point. She told me that we had 3 options. Wait it out and see if I miscarried naturally, take Cytotec to induce it, or have a D&C done. She at that point said I had pretty much been waiting for over 3 weeks for it to pass but it hadn't. So either a D&C or the pills. I originally said the D&C to have it done and over with as soon as possible. Chris really wasn't leaning that way at all. He didn't want me to have to have surgery and the risks that went along with it.
We decided to go with the Cytotec. She had told me to do it over the weekend before she realized I don't have a "weekend". I told her I wanted to do it as soon as I could and that I would take time off from work. Dr Staub told me she would call me in a Rx that I would insert vaginally.
I went and got the Rx, that had the directions to swallow 4, then 4 more 24 hrs later. Wednesday night I took the first 4 at 7:45 pm. Nothing really happened but before bed I bled a small amount and had mild cramps. I'm talking gas cramps. Nothing that even really registered. We put towels down on the bed to be safe and off to bed.
I woke up the next morning with hardly any blood in my pad. I called the Dr office and explained that I was told to insert but the pharmacy had to swallow. The Dr called me back and said he was calling in another dose and to do 2 vaginally now, and then 2 more every 4 hrs for a total of 8. First set went in at 10:45 am. I took another dose at 2:45. Again still hardly any bleeding. Sometime during the day, I had flowers delivered from Cara. They are beautiful. At 6:45 pm I got up off the couch with FINALLY some decent cramping to put in my 3rd dose.
As I stood up from the couch I KNEW something was wrong. As I stood up my underwear FILLED with blood. From my waistband, down. It went down my leg in my sweats. I hobbled to the bathroom as quickly as possible. When I pulled my pants down...NOTHING could prepare me for what I saw. There was SO much blood. SO, so, SO much. It was up to the band of my underwear, filling my pad and was down my right leg. I screamed for Chris to come help me.
When he came in I told him I would need a plastic bag right away and asked him if he wanted to see it. He said ok and went and got the bag. When he came back in, I pulled the waistband of my sweats down and he just gasped. He helped me get my pants off, throw my underwear away and took my sweats to be washed after he pulled the clots out of them.
I am still in awe of how amazing this man was to me. He can't clean up a cat hair ball, but he did this for me. I sat on the toilet for about 20 minutes, feeling literally the life draining out of me. After feeling like I could stand up with out bleeding out, I managed to get in the shower to clean myself up. I had blood from my belly button down. After I got done I had doubled up my pads and got new sweats on. I at this point took a percocet as well.
Everytime I sat down I was fine, until I stood up again. Throughout the night I got up a few times to change my pad and to let more of this out on the toilet. The cramping was still mild at this point.
Friday was ok. I actually went to lunch with my mom, and only had to change my pad 2 times. Chris also went back to work. I was ok this day and didn't break down at all. Friday night I got decent cramps and bled quite a bit. Friday I got more flowers from Dawn. A amazing big basket. We went for Panera for dinner and Chris decided it was time to post on FB about things. I showed him a post I had found showing how to word things. He went off of that, but changed it up a bit. I just copy and pasted things as I couldn't bare to write it out too. I think it was Saturday I got a card from Lisa. Said she had gone thru it and knew how bad it hurts. Saturday morning I was fine, still bleeding a bit, but nothing horrible. Saturday night, that was another story. I got horrible cramps and continued to bleed. I took more percocet to help with the cramps. It only dulled the pain honestly.
Sunday I woke up again, thinking the worst was over being that the cramps were gone in the AM. Around lunch time my mom came over. Chris, her and I went to Gabes and Target. About 5 minutes after we got to Gabes the cramps were back in full force. I managed to get thru the store and then into Target. I changed my pad there. We got done at Target and stopped for ice cream, which at this point I wanted nothing to do with. I got home, went and sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes. At this point I realized I hadn't pooped since Wednesday. I don't know if it was the meds or what. I had to go so bad but it hurt to push because of the cramps. FINALLY I was able to go.
I put my sweats back on and crawled on the couch. I was pretty miserable again. This was from about 1 pm, til about 6 pm. Percocet were my friend again helping to just dull things a bit. We got Sonic for dinner once the pain slowed. Crawled into bed and hoped it to be over.
Today is Monday. Again, Chris went to work after we went to the Dr for follow up. She asked about the bleeding, the cramps. I explained everything I went thru to her. She had my bloodwork done to compare to the levels from Wednesday. We came home and got back in bed since he didn't have to be to work until 12:30. After he left I decided to busy myself. I did dishes, I cleaned, I did laundry. I grabbed my sweeper to sweep and it hit me. It hit me the hardest it has hit me since Wednesday. I dropped to the floor in the living room and SOBBED. I sat there for probably 20 minutes and just had heart wrenching sobs. I gasped for breath and held Lucky and Sophie. I texted with Cara for a bit about things. It didn't help even though she was saying all the right things. But right now, nothing is right.
Chris is finally home. I feel calmer with him here. I go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to face everyone. I feel like a failure. All I had to do was keep my baby safe and alive. I couldn't do it. Chris keeps telling me, along with other people, that I didn't do anything wrong. Why can't I accept that? Maybe some day I will. I keep praying that my little angel will send me a baby as soon as we can try again.
Please.
I'm done for the night as I'm exhausted. Physically but mostly emotionally. Tomorrow is time for work and I'm scared to death for it.
Imagine my surprise and extreme happiness that it was POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it, I really couldn't. I texted Chris "hey babe". He said "?". I sent him a picture of the positive test. He was so over the moon, and kept telling me "shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up!" over and over, while laughing. He was on his way to work.
Over the last almost 2 months I have only had sore boobs and feeling a little extra tired all the time. I felt great and went for my confirmation appointment, which really only consisted of a pee test. I already knew by then, because I took one test Monday the 10th and again, on the 12th, because honestly, I felt it was too good to be true. I went on the 13th for my appointment. I went back again the first week in April and got a ultra sound. She wasn't going to do one, but then I told her that was the only reason Chris came. She did one saying she questioned my dating.
That day we saw the heartbeat, we fell even more in love with our JellyBean than we ever knew was possible. It made it REAL. There was a baby in there, growing. We didn't know at the time, that would be the last picture of the heartbeat we would see. We left our appointment filled with hope. Filled with dreams of 9 months later, holding the love of our life.
Over the past few weeks, things were great. We went and got announcement pictures done. We were OVER the moon with them and couldn't wait to share them. We waited until Easter. On that day we posted them everywhere. Everyone was so supportive. Our phones blew up ALL day. Actually for a day or two.
We went April 30th for our 11 week appointment. We went in to hear the heartbeat. I gave my urine sample, drank the God awful sugar drink for my 1st gestational diabetes test. We went in the room and she got her doppler out. She said ALL day she had shy babies and had to send most for a ultrasound because the babies were all facing the wrong way or didn't want to be heard. Our baby was not the exception. JellyBean didn't offer a heartbeat either. I asked if that was a bad thing that she couldn't find it. Diane assured me it wasn't, as it was kind of early anyways, being that we went at 11 weeks and not 12. She sent me off for a ultrasound so that way we could SEE the heartbeat.
I got in the room, got comfortable while Chris was in the seat next to me. The lady came in, turned off the lights and inserted the ultrasound wand. As soon as she brought the screen up, my heart stopped beating. I caught my breath and waited for her to say something as she was taking screen shots. Her first words? "I'm so sorry..." I don't remember everything she said, but I KNEW something was wrong.
Why didn't our JellyBean look any different than last time? Why couldn't we see the heartbeat? Why was this happening to us? The ultrasound looked no different but it was 3.5 weeks later. It should have been different. Our baby should have been bigger. We needed a heartbeat...but we didn't get one.
She told me she had to take some pictures and kept saying "I'm so sorry". At some point Chris had grabbed my hand and I began sobbing. She asked me if we wanted a picture to take...I looked at Chris, knowing I didn't want one, but if he did...he shook his head no. We had one at home, one that our precious baby was still alive. I didn't see the need for this one. She told me I could go ahead and get dressed and was going to call in the bereavement nurse...
Dawn, the nurse came in. I really don't remember anything she said. I just sobbed into Chris' chest, apologizing to him. She then led me to a Dr's room. That was the most horrible walk I have ever made. I had to walk past these amazing, beautiful pregnant women, knowing our baby was not going to ever get to that point. I walked by them, face tear stained, heart slowly dying.
I got into the Dr's room and a lab came and took some blood to measure my HCG levels. Dr Staub came in to talk to us at that point. She told me that we had 3 options. Wait it out and see if I miscarried naturally, take Cytotec to induce it, or have a D&C done. She at that point said I had pretty much been waiting for over 3 weeks for it to pass but it hadn't. So either a D&C or the pills. I originally said the D&C to have it done and over with as soon as possible. Chris really wasn't leaning that way at all. He didn't want me to have to have surgery and the risks that went along with it.
We decided to go with the Cytotec. She had told me to do it over the weekend before she realized I don't have a "weekend". I told her I wanted to do it as soon as I could and that I would take time off from work. Dr Staub told me she would call me in a Rx that I would insert vaginally.
I went and got the Rx, that had the directions to swallow 4, then 4 more 24 hrs later. Wednesday night I took the first 4 at 7:45 pm. Nothing really happened but before bed I bled a small amount and had mild cramps. I'm talking gas cramps. Nothing that even really registered. We put towels down on the bed to be safe and off to bed.
I woke up the next morning with hardly any blood in my pad. I called the Dr office and explained that I was told to insert but the pharmacy had to swallow. The Dr called me back and said he was calling in another dose and to do 2 vaginally now, and then 2 more every 4 hrs for a total of 8. First set went in at 10:45 am. I took another dose at 2:45. Again still hardly any bleeding. Sometime during the day, I had flowers delivered from Cara. They are beautiful. At 6:45 pm I got up off the couch with FINALLY some decent cramping to put in my 3rd dose.
As I stood up from the couch I KNEW something was wrong. As I stood up my underwear FILLED with blood. From my waistband, down. It went down my leg in my sweats. I hobbled to the bathroom as quickly as possible. When I pulled my pants down...NOTHING could prepare me for what I saw. There was SO much blood. SO, so, SO much. It was up to the band of my underwear, filling my pad and was down my right leg. I screamed for Chris to come help me.
When he came in I told him I would need a plastic bag right away and asked him if he wanted to see it. He said ok and went and got the bag. When he came back in, I pulled the waistband of my sweats down and he just gasped. He helped me get my pants off, throw my underwear away and took my sweats to be washed after he pulled the clots out of them.
I am still in awe of how amazing this man was to me. He can't clean up a cat hair ball, but he did this for me. I sat on the toilet for about 20 minutes, feeling literally the life draining out of me. After feeling like I could stand up with out bleeding out, I managed to get in the shower to clean myself up. I had blood from my belly button down. After I got done I had doubled up my pads and got new sweats on. I at this point took a percocet as well.
Everytime I sat down I was fine, until I stood up again. Throughout the night I got up a few times to change my pad and to let more of this out on the toilet. The cramping was still mild at this point.
Friday was ok. I actually went to lunch with my mom, and only had to change my pad 2 times. Chris also went back to work. I was ok this day and didn't break down at all. Friday night I got decent cramps and bled quite a bit. Friday I got more flowers from Dawn. A amazing big basket. We went for Panera for dinner and Chris decided it was time to post on FB about things. I showed him a post I had found showing how to word things. He went off of that, but changed it up a bit. I just copy and pasted things as I couldn't bare to write it out too. I think it was Saturday I got a card from Lisa. Said she had gone thru it and knew how bad it hurts. Saturday morning I was fine, still bleeding a bit, but nothing horrible. Saturday night, that was another story. I got horrible cramps and continued to bleed. I took more percocet to help with the cramps. It only dulled the pain honestly.
Sunday I woke up again, thinking the worst was over being that the cramps were gone in the AM. Around lunch time my mom came over. Chris, her and I went to Gabes and Target. About 5 minutes after we got to Gabes the cramps were back in full force. I managed to get thru the store and then into Target. I changed my pad there. We got done at Target and stopped for ice cream, which at this point I wanted nothing to do with. I got home, went and sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes. At this point I realized I hadn't pooped since Wednesday. I don't know if it was the meds or what. I had to go so bad but it hurt to push because of the cramps. FINALLY I was able to go.
I put my sweats back on and crawled on the couch. I was pretty miserable again. This was from about 1 pm, til about 6 pm. Percocet were my friend again helping to just dull things a bit. We got Sonic for dinner once the pain slowed. Crawled into bed and hoped it to be over.
Today is Monday. Again, Chris went to work after we went to the Dr for follow up. She asked about the bleeding, the cramps. I explained everything I went thru to her. She had my bloodwork done to compare to the levels from Wednesday. We came home and got back in bed since he didn't have to be to work until 12:30. After he left I decided to busy myself. I did dishes, I cleaned, I did laundry. I grabbed my sweeper to sweep and it hit me. It hit me the hardest it has hit me since Wednesday. I dropped to the floor in the living room and SOBBED. I sat there for probably 20 minutes and just had heart wrenching sobs. I gasped for breath and held Lucky and Sophie. I texted with Cara for a bit about things. It didn't help even though she was saying all the right things. But right now, nothing is right.
Chris is finally home. I feel calmer with him here. I go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to face everyone. I feel like a failure. All I had to do was keep my baby safe and alive. I couldn't do it. Chris keeps telling me, along with other people, that I didn't do anything wrong. Why can't I accept that? Maybe some day I will. I keep praying that my little angel will send me a baby as soon as we can try again.
Please.
I'm done for the night as I'm exhausted. Physically but mostly emotionally. Tomorrow is time for work and I'm scared to death for it.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Yet another update...
I am about a week into Phase 3 and at 168.8. Who woulda EVER thought I'd be able to say that? Holy crap. I don't even know what to make my next goal AFTER 165 to be, b/c I can't believe I'm THAT close to my BIG GOAL! I really can't. Less than 5 lbs. Less than 4 lbs actually. My rings are all WAY to big, to the point I'm wearing them on my middle finger now, I'm in a TOTALLY comfty 14 and a L shirt. Sadly, I still see the old Erin in the mirror. I can't shake her. She won't go away. I don't know how to get rid of her. Maybe someday. I don't know when she will leave. I mean over 60 lbs is gone and I still see her..
Under 225
Under 220
Under 215
Under 210
Under 205
First BIG Goal: Under 200 Aug 9th
Under 195
Under 190
Under 185 (Ugh, these two 185 and 180 were already MET, but I gained them back, sooooo, were back at it again.)
Under 180
Second BIG Goal Under 175
Under 170
BIG goal 165
Under 180
BIG goal 165
Saturday, January 18, 2014
midway thru
Umm lets see what day I'm on...Day 15, just checked. Amazing day today, as I hit my NEXT BIG GOAL! I've dropped under 175! I'm at 174.2. I can't believe it. I still haven't set a final goal for this round b/c I'm afraid to fail. Right now I'll just be happy to be under 170 at the end, being that that's wedding weight. I have til the 29th, so I think I can do it, since I'm at 174.2 now. I'm hopeful :)
Under 225
Under 220
Under 215
Under 210
Under 205
First BIG Goal: Under 200 Aug 9th
Under 195
Under 190
Under 185 (Ugh, these two 185 and 180 were already MET, but I gained them back, sooooo, were back at it again.)
Under 180
Second BIG Goal Under 175
Under 170
BIG goal 165
Under 180
Under 170
BIG goal 165
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