Time goes by and you aren't here. You aren't warm in my stomach, growing and living. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this empty...for this long. We would know by now if you were a boy or a girl. I think you were a girl personally. I know you were loved. And still are.
We are going to try again this cycle. We didn't last month b/c none of the tests told me I was ovulating. But yesterday it said I was. I pray for this more than I've prayed for anything in my life. Chris is scared. Scared it will happen again. So am I. I can't handle another miscarriage. But I'm so full of hope. I really am.
We leave for vacation Saturday. When I'm at the beach I feel like I'm at peace. I hope it will heal my soul. I still feel broken, like I couldn't do something right. I need to be cleansed and made right. The ocean will do this. I'm positive. I NEED this vacation.
I feel like I need to reconnect w Chris.
I still don't have my baby w me. She is in heaven w family who has gone before. She is surrounded by love, and I can't ask for anything more. I just wish I knew her touch, her face, anything... I can't spend a lot of time in the nursery w out getting super sad so I stay out. We have our vacation clothes still in there, so I go in to pack and then I'm out of there. I can't look in the closet at the shelves Chris put in, the clothes in there and all the diapers and wipes we bought. It makes me so sad.
I'm done for now. I need to get my shit back together and I think it's in Mexico.
