Today its been 2 fucking months. 60 days. I can't believe it's already been that long. I can't believe I'm not pregnant. I should know the sex of the baby. I should be buying furniture for the nursery. Instead? I'm hanging our fucking vacation clothes in there. Why did this happen?!?!
I think I'm going to be starting my period this month soon. I guess I have to be thankful its not going to be around when we are on vacation. (I had a MUCH longer post typed out and fucking deleted it, ugh). I had thought I was going to be wearing maxi dresses the whole time since I would be showing. Now, I'm empty. Completely fucking empty. I am SO mad. I should have a baby on the way. What did I do? What did I NOT do?
I keep feeling like the universe is telling me "you had your chance and didn't keep the baby, so you don't get anymore". What if that is true? What if I don't get pregnant ever again? I'm already devastated thinking of the baby I lost. I can't deal with never being a mom. I can't.
Little things hit me out of nowhere. Today, I woke up and realized it was the 30th of the month. 30ths are bad for me. Which was hard because our anniversary is on the 26th and my birthday is on the 29th. So the day after my birthday was one month that I lost her. I swear it was a girl. I keep thinking how much she is missing. She is in heaven though with many great grandparents who are watching over her, and us still down here.
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