They say it will get easier as time goes on. I don't believe that. I believe you find a way to dull the pain and keep going...because you have to. For me. For my husband. For my family that I have now, our furbabes. And mostly...for our future children to have a safe and happy vessel to grow in.
Today, was..different. I felt better. I went to the chiropractor. I mowed the grass. I got my hair done. I also am spotting only ever so lightly. Yesterday at work, was fine. Before work, was another story.
I got up at my normal 8:20 to see Chris off to work. I let the dogs out, got my daily leaving for work kisses, and headed in to the bathroom. I'm not sure if the Cytotec makes you have issues pooping or what but lately I've been having issues going since I started this miscarriage process. I actually felt like I needed to so I was glad about that. I sat down to go and felt a lot of blood leaving me which I thought was strange because things seemed to have tapered off. After baring down for a minute or two to try and poop I felt something hanging out of me...down there.
I texted Chris, kinda freaked out, and he asked if I was cramping or anything, which I wasn't. I didn't know what else to do other than bare down again and push. I pushed for about 30 seconds to a minute and felt something slide out. It went in the toilet as I was trying to decide if I wanted to look or not. After a minute I decided to glance. There was so much blood in the toilet I couldn't see anything.
This I'm convinced was the sac. The final part of my baby that I had to let go of. I felt relief as well as sadness as I passed her. She was finally free from being in my body. I carried her for just shy of 12 weeks. She never knew sadness, grief, fear or any other bad emotion. She only knew warmth, love and my happiness. I pray she was happy in there for the short time I got to carry her beautiful soul.
Today while mowing the grass I got sad thinking she would never be able to play in the backyard I grew up in. She would never swing carefree, chase her brother or sister, and never know the warmth of her fathers arms. Every time I teared up and talked about her in my head, the wind would blow SO hard. Like she was trying to dry my tears.
The next step is to wait for a period. I talked with a friend Lisa who had a miscarriage right around the same time I did, between 10-12 weeks. She got pregnant the next month and carried to full term. Had a amazing little girl Kali. About 2 years later she had triplets! No fertility treatments or anything. Her doctor told her miscarriages are most common in first pregnancies. As soon as we get the first period we are trying again. I can't wait to feel the pregnancy again. I welcome throwing up(which would be new this time), the back pain, the swollen boobs. My body is here to make the best situation possible for any babies who would bless up by being their parents.
Today is also the first day my plant from Dawn bloomed. I feel like today I actually felt...normal. I smiled at strangers, I talked with my beautician about things OTHER than my miscarriage. Although, I have to say, Brianna is the sweetest thing ever, asking all the right questions and making me feel so much better about myself. She told me about some of her other clients, obviously without names, who had gone through this as well as mommas who were told their babies wouldn't make it or would have something wrong and everything is great with them.
I know I'm strong enough to get through this, even though I admit with out Chris, it wouldn't be possible. I want to give him kids more than anything and hope this is in our near future. We go on vacation July 19th, and I'm praying with every fiber of my being I can tell him before we leave that I'm pregnant. I mean all I can do is pray to God that he grants my ONE wish in life...to be a momma.
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