So this blog was made 100% for me to post about losing weight. I did that. Very well. My next task at hand was to get pregnant. I did that. I was preparing for a beautiful time in my life, one I had waited, SO LONG for. SO...long. I found out I was pregnant on March 10th, 2014. I had a test that I was TERRIFIED to take...scared it would be negative.
Imagine my surprise and extreme happiness that it was POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it, I really couldn't. I texted Chris "hey babe". He said "?". I sent him a picture of the positive test. He was so over the moon, and kept telling me "shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up!" over and over, while laughing. He was on his way to work.
Over the last almost 2 months I have only had sore boobs and feeling a little extra tired all the time. I felt great and went for my confirmation appointment, which really only consisted of a pee test. I already knew by then, because I took one test Monday the 10th and again, on the 12th, because honestly, I felt it was too good to be true. I went on the 13th for my appointment. I went back again the first week in April and got a ultra sound. She wasn't going to do one, but then I told her that was the only reason Chris came. She did one saying she questioned my dating.
That day we saw the heartbeat, we fell even more in love with our JellyBean than we ever knew was possible. It made it REAL. There was a baby in there, growing. We didn't know at the time, that would be the last picture of the heartbeat we would see. We left our appointment filled with hope. Filled with dreams of 9 months later, holding the love of our life.
Over the past few weeks, things were great. We went and got announcement pictures done. We were OVER the moon with them and couldn't wait to share them. We waited until Easter. On that day we posted them everywhere. Everyone was so supportive. Our phones blew up ALL day. Actually for a day or two.
We went April 30th for our 11 week appointment. We went in to hear the heartbeat. I gave my urine sample, drank the God awful sugar drink for my 1st gestational diabetes test. We went in the room and she got her doppler out. She said ALL day she had shy babies and had to send most for a ultrasound because the babies were all facing the wrong way or didn't want to be heard. Our baby was not the exception. JellyBean didn't offer a heartbeat either. I asked if that was a bad thing that she couldn't find it. Diane assured me it wasn't, as it was kind of early anyways, being that we went at 11 weeks and not 12. She sent me off for a ultrasound so that way we could SEE the heartbeat.
I got in the room, got comfortable while Chris was in the seat next to me. The lady came in, turned off the lights and inserted the ultrasound wand. As soon as she brought the screen up, my heart stopped beating. I caught my breath and waited for her to say something as she was taking screen shots. Her first words? "I'm so sorry..." I don't remember everything she said, but I KNEW something was wrong.
Why didn't our JellyBean look any different than last time? Why couldn't we see the heartbeat? Why was this happening to us? The ultrasound looked no different but it was 3.5 weeks later. It should have been different. Our baby should have been bigger. We needed a heartbeat...but we didn't get one.
She told me she had to take some pictures and kept saying "I'm so sorry". At some point Chris had grabbed my hand and I began sobbing. She asked me if we wanted a picture to take...I looked at Chris, knowing I didn't want one, but if he did...he shook his head no. We had one at home, one that our precious baby was still alive. I didn't see the need for this one. She told me I could go ahead and get dressed and was going to call in the bereavement nurse...
Dawn, the nurse came in. I really don't remember anything she said. I just sobbed into Chris' chest, apologizing to him. She then led me to a Dr's room. That was the most horrible walk I have ever made. I had to walk past these amazing, beautiful pregnant women, knowing our baby was not going to ever get to that point. I walked by them, face tear stained, heart slowly dying.
I got into the Dr's room and a lab came and took some blood to measure my HCG levels. Dr Staub came in to talk to us at that point. She told me that we had 3 options. Wait it out and see if I miscarried naturally, take Cytotec to induce it, or have a D&C done. She at that point said I had pretty much been waiting for over 3 weeks for it to pass but it hadn't. So either a D&C or the pills. I originally said the D&C to have it done and over with as soon as possible. Chris really wasn't leaning that way at all. He didn't want me to have to have surgery and the risks that went along with it.
We decided to go with the Cytotec. She had told me to do it over the weekend before she realized I don't have a "weekend". I told her I wanted to do it as soon as I could and that I would take time off from work. Dr Staub told me she would call me in a Rx that I would insert vaginally.
I went and got the Rx, that had the directions to swallow 4, then 4 more 24 hrs later. Wednesday night I took the first 4 at 7:45 pm. Nothing really happened but before bed I bled a small amount and had mild cramps. I'm talking gas cramps. Nothing that even really registered. We put towels down on the bed to be safe and off to bed.
I woke up the next morning with hardly any blood in my pad. I called the Dr office and explained that I was told to insert but the pharmacy had to swallow. The Dr called me back and said he was calling in another dose and to do 2 vaginally now, and then 2 more every 4 hrs for a total of 8. First set went in at 10:45 am. I took another dose at 2:45. Again still hardly any bleeding. Sometime during the day, I had flowers delivered from Cara. They are beautiful. At 6:45 pm I got up off the couch with FINALLY some decent cramping to put in my 3rd dose.
As I stood up from the couch I KNEW something was wrong. As I stood up my underwear FILLED with blood. From my waistband, down. It went down my leg in my sweats. I hobbled to the bathroom as quickly as possible. When I pulled my pants down...NOTHING could prepare me for what I saw. There was SO much blood. SO, so, SO much. It was up to the band of my underwear, filling my pad and was down my right leg. I screamed for Chris to come help me.
When he came in I told him I would need a plastic bag right away and asked him if he wanted to see it. He said ok and went and got the bag. When he came back in, I pulled the waistband of my sweats down and he just gasped. He helped me get my pants off, throw my underwear away and took my sweats to be washed after he pulled the clots out of them.
I am still in awe of how amazing this man was to me. He can't clean up a cat hair ball, but he did this for me. I sat on the toilet for about 20 minutes, feeling literally the life draining out of me. After feeling like I could stand up with out bleeding out, I managed to get in the shower to clean myself up. I had blood from my belly button down. After I got done I had doubled up my pads and got new sweats on. I at this point took a percocet as well.
Everytime I sat down I was fine, until I stood up again. Throughout the night I got up a few times to change my pad and to let more of this out on the toilet. The cramping was still mild at this point.
Friday was ok. I actually went to lunch with my mom, and only had to change my pad 2 times. Chris also went back to work. I was ok this day and didn't break down at all. Friday night I got decent cramps and bled quite a bit. Friday I got more flowers from Dawn. A amazing big basket. We went for Panera for dinner and Chris decided it was time to post on FB about things. I showed him a post I had found showing how to word things. He went off of that, but changed it up a bit. I just copy and pasted things as I couldn't bare to write it out too. I think it was Saturday I got a card from Lisa. Said she had gone thru it and knew how bad it hurts. Saturday morning I was fine, still bleeding a bit, but nothing horrible. Saturday night, that was another story. I got horrible cramps and continued to bleed. I took more percocet to help with the cramps. It only dulled the pain honestly.
Sunday I woke up again, thinking the worst was over being that the cramps were gone in the AM. Around lunch time my mom came over. Chris, her and I went to Gabes and Target. About 5 minutes after we got to Gabes the cramps were back in full force. I managed to get thru the store and then into Target. I changed my pad there. We got done at Target and stopped for ice cream, which at this point I wanted nothing to do with. I got home, went and sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes. At this point I realized I hadn't pooped since Wednesday. I don't know if it was the meds or what. I had to go so bad but it hurt to push because of the cramps. FINALLY I was able to go.
I put my sweats back on and crawled on the couch. I was pretty miserable again. This was from about 1 pm, til about 6 pm. Percocet were my friend again helping to just dull things a bit. We got Sonic for dinner once the pain slowed. Crawled into bed and hoped it to be over.
Today is Monday. Again, Chris went to work after we went to the Dr for follow up. She asked about the bleeding, the cramps. I explained everything I went thru to her. She had my bloodwork done to compare to the levels from Wednesday. We came home and got back in bed since he didn't have to be to work until 12:30. After he left I decided to busy myself. I did dishes, I cleaned, I did laundry. I grabbed my sweeper to sweep and it hit me. It hit me the hardest it has hit me since Wednesday. I dropped to the floor in the living room and SOBBED. I sat there for probably 20 minutes and just had heart wrenching sobs. I gasped for breath and held Lucky and Sophie. I texted with Cara for a bit about things. It didn't help even though she was saying all the right things. But right now, nothing is right.
Chris is finally home. I feel calmer with him here. I go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to face everyone. I feel like a failure. All I had to do was keep my baby safe and alive. I couldn't do it. Chris keeps telling me, along with other people, that I didn't do anything wrong. Why can't I accept that? Maybe some day I will. I keep praying that my little angel will send me a baby as soon as we can try again.
Please.
I'm done for the night as I'm exhausted. Physically but mostly emotionally. Tomorrow is time for work and I'm scared to death for it.
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